Silence Was My Self Defense
by Altaria Volante
Summary: "I’m going to warn you… I may ramble. I’m prone to when I get flustered. And right now, yes, I’m flustered. I can’t stop thinking of what happened in the Tower..."


A/N: The song 'And So It Goes' belongs to the ever talented Billy Joel. And special thanks to Audra for the feedback and girly noises :) 

* * *

**Silence Was My Self-Defense**  
by Altaria 

_ In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along  
_

I sigh as I turn up the volume on the CD Hermione lent me. _And So It Goes,_ I think. _How appropriate._ I slowly pick up my quill and place it gently in the ink. Dark, black ink. How I hate having to put my thoughts on parchment. I'm a talker, not a writer. I haven't been a writer for a long time. But something like this is more appropriately written down than stumbled over by mere spoken words and tones. It was something to be reread and contemplated. 

Who was I kidding? I'll be lucky if it gets read twice before landing in the wastepaper basket. 

_I wanted to start this out by apologizing… about last night. In the Tower. That was incredibly forward of me. I shouldn't have leaned over and kissed you like that… without asking. The shock on your face tells the story. I'm sorry if I startled you. I would never mean to startle you. _

The ink glares back at me. It sounds so… hollow. 

_I'm going to warn you… I may ramble. I'm prone to when I get flustered. And right now, yes, I'm flustered. I can't stop thinking of what happened in the Tower. And if these words don't adequately serve my purpose… then I will… I don't know what I'll do. So these words will have to do._

_I don't want you to think that I didn't mean for it to happen. Or that I regret it. No… quite the contrary. I replay the kiss in my head. I've replayed it all night, even as my dormmates sleep._

That sounds corny. I reach across the desk to yet another gift from the ever-prepared Hermione. Ink remover. 'It is wizard's white-out,' she said. I love it how she feels she has to explain every little thing to me as if I hadn't seen Muggle things before. But I think she forgets who she's talking when she starts explaining something. It's part of what makes her endearing… like the sister I wish I had. 

_I don't want you to think that I didn't mean for it to happen. Or that I regret it. No… quite the contrary. I have replayed the kiss in my head countless times. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing._

Yes, that sounds better. 

_You're the first person I've felt like this towards. The first person I really wanted to spend a night up in the Tower under the stars with. I know you probably don't believe me, but it's true._

I hope you believe me. It's… better if that's the case… as if it could've been any better. 

_ I spoke to you in cautious tones  
You answered me with no pretense  
And still I feel I said too much  
My silence is my self defense  
_

The parchment was slowly filling up. But it was all just filler so far. Written small talk. Useless. 'You're going to have to bite the bullet and say what you need to say,' I whisper. The slight noise causes one of my dorm mates to stir, but with the curtains drawn around each bed, it's impossible to tell which one. It doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is that I get this out before the words leave me… if they were ever really there to begin with. 

_All my life I've had to live up to other people's expectations. With the type of people that have gone before me, sometimes I feel like I **have** to be who everyone expects me to be. But what do they expect me to be? Everything, because I'm the last._

_I know you understand._

_Again, the rambling. I'm sorry._

_Being overwhelmed is no excuse. At least, not one that I feel comfortable giving. I've known how you felt for a long time. And I know that I have not been able to talk to you… when God knows that I wanted to. I've wanted to sit you down by the fire in the common room and tell you all of this for so long, but I was afraid of how you'd react. Would it frighten you? My being this forward? I couldn't bear that. So I stayed silent. At times, I'm sure you thought that I had forgotten you. That was never the case. Don't ever think that. I draw into myself; you must know that about me. It must be obvious._

Do I really want to be cliché and steal a line? 

_My silence was my self-defense. _

I really hope you haven't heard this song before. 

_ And every time I've held a rose  
It seems I only felt the thorns  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And so will you soon I suppose  
_

The words are livening up. Maybe this will make it past the wastepaper basket. I just hope my sincerity shows. 

_I was afraid to open up. I was afraid that if I showed you all that was inside that you'd be frightened. Or that it would be more than you could take. I don't know why I thought that. I know you're strong. You've proven that on more than one occasion. I've never been allowed to get close to anyone. Everyone around me… not really conducive to intimate relations… friend or lover._

I'm sounding too much like Hermione here. Read one too many of her homeworks. 

_I've never been allowed to get close to anyone. I've never allowed myself to get close. No one around me was worthy of an intimate relationship… friend or lover._

Much better. 

_ But if my silence made you leave  
Then that would be my worst mistake  
So I will share this room with you  
And you can have this heart to break  
_

Must get to the point. I will get to the point before I chicken out. 

_The point is…_

Can't I think of a better opening than that? 

_Until now..._

I'm brilliant. 

_Until now no one was worthy. Then I met you. I tried to hide it. I was never really successful. Ron called me on it… a lot. But that is beside the point. I should've told you. I should've walked up to you and told you what I thought. I'm afraid that my silence…_

I cannot continue to quote this song! Must think of something original… 

_…would convince you otherwise. That it would convince you that I wanted nothing to do with you. I can think of nothing that would hurt me more. I want to give you my silence… as a testament to the depth of my feeling. Gryffindors are quick to run their mouths, but I couldn't here. Not with this. I share this with you as proof. Proof of what I couldn't explain before the Tower._

But will you accept this as proof? Or will it just seem like I'm covering up. The song has finally changed but I can't seem to concentrate without it. I click the 'back' button on Hermione's CD player without a second thought. It just seems to… help me write. 

_ And this is why my eyes are closed  
It's just as well for all I've seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows  
_

Back to the parchment. I have to finish. I have to tell you everything. 

_I've wanted to kiss you for so long. I've wanted to know for sure that you felt what I felt. I haven't told anyone about the Tower. I know if I dared to tell Ron or Hermione that it would get back to you. I wanted to give you this first._

_When I kissed you, it was as if I was truly living for the first time. The life you exude in the simplest breath is intoxicating. You've made me feel like my eyes are finally open after a lifetime of being blind. I can't quite explain how I feel._

_I'm so sorry for running off. How very foolish of me. You deserved better._

Why am I writing in the past tense? 

_You deserve better._

You deserve the best. Goddamn it… how can I say I'm the best without sounding cocky? 

_I can't say that I'm the best. I can't say that I'm the most deserving of your love. All I can say is that I would never let you want for love. I cannot promise material things, but I can promise love. My heart has never been used like this… to this magnitude. So, you have first pick._

Corny, but effective. I think I'll keep it. 

_ So I would choose to be with you  
That's if the choice were mine to make  
But you can make decisions too  
And you can have this heart to break  
_

Just say it. Get it out, sign the parchment, and let it out of your hands. 

_I can't make the choice for you. I can only offer you the choice. I love you, Ginny. I only wish I could've shown it better before. I've wanted last night in the Tower for so long. I've watched you these years. You're the only one who was always behind me. I couldn't show you before because I was afraid. Afraid that it was too late. After all these years, I was afraid I'd missed my chance… that you had moved on._

_I wish I had told you this last night, instead of running out on you. But I had waited for that for so long… and you didn't say anything… You just looked at me with those beautiful eyes. I was at a loss. I got lost in your eyes. If you said anything, I don't remember. All I remember… I have described what I remember. But mere words can't paint the mind's eye or a true memory._

_So what is left for me to say? Here I am. If you'll have me. If it's not too late._

How do I sign this? 

_Unrequitedly yours…_

No. 

_Awaiting your response…_

Too desperate. 

_Please don't let it be too late…_

Well, that's not any better. C'mon, I know I can do better than this. What am I trying to do in this letter… be open with her… 

_Openly and hopefully,  
Harry_

Yes. 

*** 

Harry folded up the parchment and scribbled 'Ginny' on the front. He rose from the desk, searching for his slippers. Of course, they were no where to be found… but it didn't matter. He turned off the CD and crept from the 5th year boys' dorm down a flight of stairs to the 4th year girls' room. Praying silently that no one was awake, he slowly pushed the door open and moved to the closest bed. 

There she was… her ginger hair sprawled across the pillow and a dream fluttering across her eyelids. Nothing more beautiful. 

He placed the letter on her bedside table. He paused, pondering if he should continue. Without much debate, Harry leaned down and kissed her forehead. He smiled when her lips crinkled into a slight smile as he pulled up. "And so it goes… you're the only one who knows," he whispered, touching her cheek one more time before heading to bed. 


End file.
